We all know, some a little too well, the glory of Breakfast in the Classroom (BIC). Or, as Mr. Graham, the Walter Reed history teacher, christened it, “mandated biohazard in the classroom.” I’m a kashrut-observant Jew, so I don’t have the opportunity to sample such delicacies as the breakfast patties or turkey ham and cheese sandwiches. I have shamefully tasted other dishes courtesy of Cafeteria NHHS; one I would like to focus on this week is the “Yummy French Toast Stix.” The best part about these delectable morsels is that there’s no telling how they were prepared. Steamed? Fried? Fermented in the dregs of last Friday’s milk? It’s a mystery, but I’ve swallowed my dignity along with the Stix too often for my cardiovascular health. All that can be determined for sure is that some sort of oil seeps through the plastic packaging. After every time I eat them, I try to justify why I was willing to insult my digestive system, and I can’t do it with a straight face. “Yummy?” The problem is that Stix taste good enough, at least to me, that I keep coming back for more. They’re somewhat sweet, and the texture is realistic enough, that I eat them whenever they’re concocted. Something resembling bread is in them too, and “breakfast” is better than no breakfast, isn’t it? “French?” Not by any sense of the word. You see, French school systems actually care about their students’ nutrition, and they have chefs to prepare fresh, healthy food. Americans think it’s gourmet, but it’s really just an adequate meal. On the other side of the pond, there are no Secretaries of Agriculture who discard higher nutrition standards and then say that students will become healthier than ever before. “Toast?” Well, I was under the impression that toast would have to be… toasted? Or at least pan-fried, as conventional French toast is. It can be safely said that our beloved cafeteria doesn’t have the equipment to make toast. Another day, another lie from LAUSD. We have come to expect nothing less. “Stix?” To be fair, this part is true. The “bread” is in fact trisected, and each piece resembles a stick if you look hard enough. You have to look past the hip misspelling, though. All in all, there’s no way I should eat these things, and I do anyway. But before it’s too late, the rest of you should avoid them at all costs, and save yourselves.